In just two months (Happy two month birthday Will!) breastfeeding has been a huge part of my journey as Mama. I was always kind of weirded out by breastfeeding, and honestly wanted no part of it. As I started learning how beneficial breast milk was for my unborn baby, I decided to give it a go.
The decision wasn't entirely mine. My husband, Jeff, really felt "breast was best" and advocated for it, and when William was born, he started rooting immediately. From the beginning, he was an eater! Rooting and sucking incessantly, and eating non stop!
The first few days were crazy. A tiny baby is suckling at you constantly, but there's little to satisfy them. It's enough- as nature does through this amazing experience of pregnancy and childbirth, the body provides. After three days of sucking at what seemed to be nothing, suddenly my (warning, TMI!) boobs exploded. I went from zero to porno in a few hours. After that, my spot in Will's heart (and mouth!) was solidified.
While breastfeeding was the natural choice for us, it was not an easy one. Mere days after he was born, we went to the doctor and after discovering a significant weight loss were advised to supplement. I felt relieved, but also like a failure. Why wouldn't my body provide for my son? It didn't help that I am on several Mommy groups on social media, some very crunchy and if you utter the word formula they seem to think you're the devil.
I began researching ways I could increase my milk supply. I contacted a lactation specialist, I took tinctures, I made lactation cookies, ate oatmeal every day, power pumped, drank gallons of water... while some of these certainly helped (check out this lactation cookie recipe- they are amazing and full of breastfeeding-happy ingredients!, nothing seemed to get me over the hump where my breast could fully provide for my son. I had online Mamas telling me to ignore my pediatrician and continue to try on my own, and I had my son desperate to eat, crying, rooting, fussing, and I had to make a decision.
Sidebar: Mamas who judge... it hurts my heart when we can't support one another. We are all fighting to do the best we can for our babies. Support and love- we are all fighting to be the best mama we can be!
I had to come to a place of "ok" with my breastfeeding experience. Now, I love the time with my son. Not always, mind you, but I love to look at his beautiful contented face in the middle of the night when we are snuggled up on the couch feeding. I feel proud to provide for him at least on some level- seeing what my body can produce to help him grow and thrive.
On the flip side, I still hate giving him formula, and wish I didn't have to. For whatever reason, though, my body just doesn't provide all he needs. And I am at ease knowing I give him all I can, and he is a beautiful healthy baby boy, thanks to the boob and a little help from our friend formula.
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